Face your fear
Your fear of telling your child the truth, is related to your own fears of HIV. It is difficult to teach someone to be comfortable in themselves if you are not content in yourself.
The world can be a cruel place and you would not want your child to learn the truth from it. You want to teach your child to be comfortable with their status. You want them to feel normal about it . But you also want them to know how to look after themselves, their siblings and you.
You want them to know the truth so they can learn how to live with it just as you have. They cannot commit suicide or be depressed if they see you every day, because you are a living example and role model for them.
Leaving it till after your gone leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned. With more questions than answers. Your existence means you can fight with them and face the world with them and you have a chance to really be there for them and teach them the right thing.
The truth may feel like too much but it will protect them. The first step is telling them and the next is teaching them to protect themselves with what you told them. No one will love or think of your child as you will. Take heart and arm them for life.
Do not lie. They could stop taking their medications and fall sick and even die because they do not know the truth. There is nothing more dangerous than a lie.
Get help from a health worker if you need to. It is worth it for the sake of your family.
You are not the only one with this dilemma
Most parents are afraid to disclose to their children because of these reasons;
They feel the child is too young to understand.-You can start telling your children gradually about HIV and correcting any lies they hear until they are of age to understand. The ideal age to disclose is around 10 to 12 years before they enter adolescence. Different amounts of details are required by children at different stages.
Fear of robbing your child of happiness -We teach our children hard lessons every day and we are not afraid of their happiness why should this news change their happiness? They could have been born with any other problem like being deaf or blind but that does not mean that they would be sad children. Being unprepared is what leads to disappointment.
Fear your child will tell other people-Your child will respect your privacy if you build a relationship. Is your fear of the society finding out greater than your child’s life? You may miss an important chance to protect them because you fear what may not even happen.
Fear that the child will ask how you got HIV.-They may or may not ask. But if they do be as honest as possible. You want them to know that life happens and is never easy but that we still emerge successful despite its circumstances. Lying to them can make things worse.
Fear your child will be angry or hate you. As a parent you will tell your children many things that will upset them generally but you do so out of love. This helps to prepare them to face the world knowing that everything is not smooth and there will be ups and downs. Have someone there like a counsellor or a doctor who can support you both on the day you decide to tell them. They may get angry but later they will thank you for looking out for them.
Children will feel relieved knowing what is going on with you or themselves rather than wondering all the time. They are not oblivious to their environment and are more resilient than you expect. Find courage.
Remember you are not alone.
There are millions of families in Kenya living with HIV.
You are not the first parent to tell children and you will not be the last.
Therefore, seek information and support in your support group.
Most VCT centers have information on support groups you can join.
There, you can hear how other parents did it or you can teach other parents how to do it, if you have been successful.
You might also meet other parents with children who are the ages of your own children .
Your children may feel encouraged by seeing other children of their age who are living comfortably with HIV.
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No one knows your child more than you
Protecting them means preparing them. Preparing them means having hard conversations so that they have an easier time later.
Below are the common long term effects of not telling your child;
They stop taking treatment cause they don’t see the point of taking it. Taking medicine daily is not an easy task for anyone. This means they could die from basic infections.
They may throw away medication or distribute it to other children as they don’t know what it is for.
Someone could accidentally tell them including a family member, doctor or nurse unknowingly. It is very hard to tell children about medication without being open about what your dealing with. This can accidentally slip out and can lead to a very strained relationship with the parents.
They can start seeing other people and having intercourse without you knowing. They can infect others or get pregnant or get someone else pregnant without knowing how to protect themselves or others.
They become rebellious or hate you. The reason is because of many lies they are told about their medication before discovering the truth. Also because of all the negative things they will have heard all around about HIV by the time your disclosing the truth. If you tell them early and start preparing them then it becomes easier to cope and accept.
Suggested method of breaking the news
Set a date and work towards it gradually.
In preparation for that day you can speak to a healthcare worker whom you trust in case you need support on that day,
Learn about HIV way ahead.
Hear other peoples experiences as well and pick up from those who have been successful.
Slowly introduce information about HIV over a long period of time and keep educating the children about it. Small bits and pieces of information over a long time, go a long way.
When you are ready, break the news. Keep an open mind. It can go either way but remember you are doing the RIGHT thing.